


all the living are guilty

by fealle



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Cannibalism, Genocide, M/M, Mild Gore, dark themes, zombiefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-10-18
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:39:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fealle/pseuds/fealle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Erik becomes a zombie but Charles is determined to make sure he's still part of the family. eta: now with additional fanart! (ch. 2 up)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the science in here does not make sense, and i don't expect it will anytime soon, so just go with it. 
> 
> this fic was .... born out of a halloween rp meme a long time ago, and some joking among friends that if erik were dead he'd still find a way to get to shaw while charles pats his head and indulges his delusions by coming off just as insane. and from there, this fic was born.
> 
> warnings for: zombies, themes of genocide, non-con (in terms of telepathy, not sex). tread carefully.
> 
>  **edit** aqueoushumour @ tumblr has been kind enough to make fanart of this fic! check out [the original post](http://aqueoushumor.tumblr.com/post/52644492223/fic-recs-illustrated-zombie-edition-another) in tumblr, and [this link](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/celadonite/14144818/40053/40053_original.jpg) to see a hi-res version of zombie!erik!!! thank you aq!!! c:
> 
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> 

_all the living are guilty_

_little children_  
 _who offered bouquets of flowers_  
 _are guilty_  
 _lovers are guilty_  
 _guilty are poets_

_guilty are those who ran away_  
 _and those that stayed_  
 _those who were saying yes_  
 _those who said no_  
 _and those who said nothing_

\- Tadeusz Różewicz, "Posthumous Rehabilitation"  
trans. Adam Czerniawski

**i.**

In the beginning, there were humans.

 

**ii.**

Charles denied such paltry definitions as 'post-mortem' when it comes to describing his current relationship with Erik, along with the more crude, 'necrophiliac', courtesy of Raven; wielded with a heavy dose of sneering and accusations of Charles' brain being _afflicted_ , she said, with a sense of sympathy that was completely far removed from the original subject of the affliction itself.

As for Charles, well, he just didn't think it was fair for her to accuse him of such things. In Erik he'd found a good companion and a greater friend; ought he not do him the service of remaining to be his friend and helping him in a time of great need? He turns to Erik and holds his hand in his own, cold and stiff as it was, squeezing it with an assurance that he will never allow Erik to spend his remaining days in earth in a dejected, isolated state. Neither living nor dying, not knowing who he was or why he was still there. 

Erik himself couldn't really respond, being dead. He had glassy green eyes much like a doll and his skin was fine as porcelain and Charles says, "it's rather fascinating, really. What little blood he has left frames his body rather nicely, Raven - you can see over here, in this bruise - ", he points to one on Erik's arm that he earned during the, uh, time he was transported gingerly by Hank into Charles' study, "the beginnings of a blood clot along the _triceps brachii_. Such beautiful striations in the muscle!" 

And he beams at Raven and the children, as if Charles had discovered something very very important. Raven bites his lip and says nothing, while Hank and Sean respectfully decline to remark about the fact that Erik's sort of, well, _dead_ , and Alex says exactly that: "Professor, with all due respect - "

"But of _course_ , Alex," nevermind the fact that Charles' smile is all teeth.

"He's dead," Alex says hollowly. "or, well, sort of dead but not really."

"Well, that just settles it, doesn't it?" Charles smiles wider at him while his telepathic mind whispers to everyone in the room, _I did not ask for any of your opinions_ and _cooperation is the price for existing within Westchester, the responsibility of which, as you all know, lies on your part._ "'Not really'. There is a possibility here, Alex, and I think it would be very crass of me as a scientist to ignore it. Wouldn't you agree, Hank?"

Hank mumbles something suspiciously like _Stockholm syndrome_ and Charles pointedly ignores him. Raven can't roll her eyes any more than she already has and decides that she's going to leave Charles and when he comes back he'd better see how fucking crazy he was, and Sean said something helpful like, "well, at least he's not .... sort of .... scary anymore. I mean," he gestures at Erik's rigid form on the couch, "being dead and all."

"Darling, you are better than Frankenstein," Charles croons. Erik doesn't really realize that he's being spoken to, but he does poke on the bruise on his arm and wonders why is it that he couldn't feel anything. And because he doesn't have anything else to do he keeps poking at his bruise, agitating the clot, until afterwards Charles goes, "oh, that won't do, Erik," and then keeps Erik's hands stiff on his sides while heading over to his desk to whip out his notebook and write more notes on Erik's behaviour.

 

**iii.**

The transformation from man to creature of the undead had been accidental, and it started on the day that Erik had met Shaw for the last time in Cuba.

It had went exactly as he'd planned - or maybe even worse; there's not enough in him anymore to be able to tell if it went well. Charles held Shaw still with his telepathy - Erik pushed the coin through his forehead in a move that would make Chekhov proud, gun or no gun, and then - 

There was a blast of light; unfiltered, raw energy, as the coin exits from Shaw's head and drops, ever so quietly, to the pristine floors of his mirrored cage.

Perhaps it killed him. Charles and the others would never know. what they _did_ observe, however, was that it drained him out of life and kept his vital organs working at less than ten percent capacity, his heart barely beating, his brain barely functioning, and yet - 

He moved. He still lived. He remembered things, or at least he could for a little while, and then the memory leaves him the way a certain coin used to imprint itself inside his palm. Memory was just that: a crease in the skin. A scar. When he walked out of that submarine, driven mad by Shaw and his own personal demons, Erik Lehnsherr was nowhere to be found. 

What was in his place was the image of a man who used to be Erik Lehnsherr but could not comprehend what he was or what he could've been. He was there out in the sands staring at the sky, his eyes blinded by the light. It was Azazel who'd first approached him, with trepidation. "Comrade," he began, "there is - something wrong - with how you are - "

Azazel decides to forgo talking with just simply taking off his helmet, because he knew the other telepath, the pretty one, was there for him anyway, and the moment the helmet had been taken off (if he were surprised at how easy it was to remove it, he never showed), Charles latched onto his mind like a viper.

Instead, however, what he found were small fragments of thoughts and words, more of impressions than actual memories. He's reminded of Monet's _sunrise_ , that's how Erik's mind looks to him now - a wasteland of colour and form and shadow.

He almost sobbed. What happened, and how did they get here? He knows the contours of Erik's mind fairly well - and this creature who wears his face has nothing more than the faintest impressions of what Charles used to revel in and it makes him worry. The man was alive, but he was also _not there_.

The man who was Erik reached out to the bright disk of light above him, his fingers barely grasping the edges of the disk as he smiles and whispers, " _coin_."

In his mind: _Eins. Zwei. Drei,_ his forefinger and thumb curling to caress the empty air as if to possess the coin again, having taken comfort with replacing his own will with his sense of vengeance and anger. That was the greatest shadow in his mind that ties him to the Erik Lehnsherr that Charles knew - _coin_ , and then, _Shaw_.

 

\--

 

They took him back to Westchester with a lot of effort. Erik didn't want to leave the island. If it were up to him he'd stare at the sun until his eyes burned out of their sockets and forever try and grasp its circular form around his fingers until he rotted away in the sands and the dry whisper of the sea. It was terrifying, but it was also fascinating. The longer it took for them to reach Westchester the more he dried, shriveled up, became pale and white as bone and died. The worst part of it was that he _smelled_ like the dead, until finally, Angel snapped (she'd decided to come back with them) and said, "look here, Prof. I don't care if you still love daddy-o over here, that's none of my business, but he ain't walkin' home with us smellin' like he rolled in his own vomit and nightmares. That just ain't right."

Charles folded his arms across his chest and replied with, "he'll take a bath later. I trust that you will be patient and understanding about his condition, considering that at the moment we know very little of how to reverse it, or save him from it."

And then he held Erik in his arms for the duration of the trip and it's just too much. Alex wondered out loud whether it'd be worth trying to rope in the demon Azazel, again, but Charles tells him that Azazel had fled the moment he realized what an abomination Erik had become, which frankly, Charles thinks was just rather rude and unprofessional of him. There are a lot of things he cannot forgive, and this is one of them.

It is rather depressing that Erik had degenerated into a husk of a man whose thoughts run circular between _Shaw_ and _coin_. Erik sits at the back of a military van that Moira mactaggert had rented for them - not without a heavy dose of persuasion from Charles' side - whispering the words over and over again, "coin. Shaw. Coin. Shaw," in rising and falling tones of agitation, anger, and despair; Charles is making soothing noises and rubbing his hand worriedly over Erik's back and whispering back, "it's alright, my friend, I've taken care of everything else," and not a lot of them knew how to respond to this, really, because it's rather domestic but at the same time, creepy. 

Charles doesn't like the thoughts he's hearing from their minds and he's making a very great effort not to listen to them. "We'll find you a cure, Erik," Charles tells him rather encouragingly. "I've always told you, it's rather disappointing that your mind revolves around these binaries, and now that I'm proven right, I'm feeling all the more sorry for it."

He sighed. Raven purses her lips and withholds saying something acerbic towards Charles, but Charles tells her, "please don't test my patience today, I've had a rather _trying_ day, and you really don't want to know what my definition of _trying_ is like."

 

\--

 

Erik put up even less of a fight over the bath. For one thing, he probably thought (or as much as he can think at this state, anyway) that he was still in Cuba, something that Charles surmised was the reason why he felt calm entering the shower. He takes the shower head and carefully runs it over Erik's head while Erik whispers, "coin, Shaw, coin, Shaw," over and over again, and Charles nods and tells him rather emphatically, as if Erik were talking to him in some private language only they know, "I understand. It's very hard to be trapped in circumstances that explode beyond one's control, but you know, darling, you made the decision to allow things to destroy you from the inside out. Oh, I'm not blaming you, only saying that if you'd trusted me more things would've turned out rather differently. Very different, in fact - please don't chew my arm, Erik."

Erik had opened his jaw and snapped it around Charles' arm. It doesn't hurt, but it's painful, and given that Erik's, well, sort-of dead, he'd prefer for him not to contract rigor mortis at the most inopportune moment, so Charles pries his jaw open with the help of Hank beside him. Outside, Sean is wailing to Raven: "he's gone _mad_. This is it, we're done, he's gone absolutely _bonkers_ and I refuse to stay in this house with that - that _thing_ and the Professor being sickeningly in love with each other, Raven, I can't even do this, _oh my god_ , Jesus is going to kill us all."

"Professor, he's not hungry, is he?" Hank's a little worried. He's discovered that with the beast form his mutation is rather useful because his physical abilities have been increased, but he never dreamt that it would be used to pry off undead lovers from the Professor himself. "I don't understand how he could be undead and still have the desire to eat."

"I reckon there's a lot about Erik we never really understand, Hank," Charles replies serenely as he hands the shower head to Hank and shampoos Erik's hair. Erik is still muttering those two words and is completely unaware to what is happening. "As far as I can tell, he's retained basic human needs, such as the need to eat and the need to sleep, but that's almost _all_ that his body remembers. I do hope that this will be resolved soon?" he looks at Hank, hopefully, and for all of Hank's intelligence he just shrugs. On the one hand he'd like to have an answer to the Professor's dilemma of a dead but subdued Erik. On the other hand he would also like to _run away as fast as he can_.

 

\--

 

After the water bath, came the chlorine bath, which was also met with the same indifference as most things were, and then Hank had the unpleasant task of pumping out most of the body fluids that clogged up Erik's body which were degrading at an increased rate (and yet, no damage to the body itself, and how this was happening, Hank didn't have a clue, unless his body had developed a strange mutation last minute, which he highly doubts because what does that even mean). Hank decided to take skin, muscle and other fluids for samples, try simple hand-eye-mental coordination tests on Erik (which of course he failed spectacularly, and Charles', "you'll do better next time, darling," only serves to _creep him out even more_ ), and other things that he could perform on him with slight trepidation because it felt wrong, to be somehow getting to know Erik based on how dead his skin was. He saw the number on Erik's arm and Hank froze, terrified, but Charles only smiled and told him that everything he did was contributing to a body of research that could possibly help poor Erik in the future, and so Hank agreed. Or at least, he thinks he agreed despite the fact that he was still terrified by the turn of events and in any other circumstance he would probably disagree.

Erik never said anything else other than _Shaw_ and _coin_ and he didn't seem to recognize who they were. It seemed, too, that he'd forgotten the use of his hands; or rather, Erik was too preoccupied with trying to _move_ things the way that he could with metal before - an outstretched hand over the things he was manipulating - which he tries to use with the wooden blocks that Hank had set before him, and the only way they could understand that he was agitated was because he kept repeating _Shaw_ and _coin_ in varying beats. When he was hungry, he grabbed at whatever was close at hand and gnawed at them with such ferocity that alarmed Hank but only amused Charles ("he recognizes a basic instinct to feed, which means that he has a will to live! isn't that fascinating, Hank?"). 

Hank then realizes that whatever amused Charles at this rate is probably not something that he should be endorsing, and he makes a mental note to call Raven after the lab work and perhaps drink with her and ponder the situation with Erik. Possibly with Hank, Sean, and Angel as well, because these domestics can't go on forever. 

 

**iii.**

They'd dressed Erik in his turtleneck and khakis, which was Charles' favourite outfit and what Charles remembered to be one of Erik's favourites, as well, pilfered shamelessly from his mind in what seems to be a time forever ago. Erik had stopped mumbling to himself but now has done other, repetitious gestures suck as dragging his fist from side to side on a table (at first, it didn't make sense to him, until Alex pointed out that Erik was missing his knife and then that shut up the rest of the children, turning pale at the idea that Erik was missing the feel of slitting a man's throat with his bare hands), or, a new one, courtesy of Charles: putting in coins of different sizes through empty penny banks of different shapes and sizes. the 25-cent coins always go first.

He couldn't play chess anymore, there wasn't enough thought in his mind to even think about what his name was or to even care about what he is (a mutant on a path to revenge) and who he was (Erik Lehnsherr?). But Charles claimed that he could _remember_ chess, which he attributed to how, when shown an empty chessboard, Erik would slowly tap the black and white boards from left to right, top to bottom. For this, Charles was proud and happy. "You cannot tell me, Raven, that that is _not_ a sign of living. It is highly possible that, while Erik has forgotten vast swathes of his memory," and here his face turns rather murderous - "the smallest remainders of his former life still permeates his mind, which I believe contributes to discounting the accusations that Erik is entirely _dead_. That is such a crude and inaccurate term (not to mention rude) as to what we're working here."

Raven sighed. "For fuck's sake, Charles. I get that you're upset that something's happened to Erik and you can't understand what the fuck it is - "

"I would prefer to be spoken to in the same courteous manner as I've spoken to you, it's only fair - "

"Don't talk to me like you're Sharon," Raven snaps, and that shuts up Charles with a cold look of murder in his eyes and a blanket of rage in all of their minds, but Raven bravely presses on, "you need to understand that you're making an ass of yourself and of Erik too. I mean, look at him, Charles! He doesn't even know who he is, he doesn't even know what he was - he doesn't know anything!"

"That's not true," Charles replied rather primly. "He remembers the words _coin_ , and _Shaw_ , both words which of course evoke rather powerful emotions and memory in his mind related to trauma in the more formative stage of his life - "

Raven sneered at him. " _Right_ , because in Erik's case, remembering nothing but those two goddamned _words_ had been so kind to him even when he was alive."

"You're absolutely hysterical," Charles answers her coldly. "All I'm saying is that I am not inclined to give over to the possibility that Erik has _died_ when it's very clear that there are signs and gestures pointing otherwise. I think it would be incredibly remiss of me as his friend and as a scientist to ignore them. Even more so for you, because you also cared about him, once upon a time, as much as I do now." With the safety of a man who was chosen rather than one who was picked for consolation.

That puts the two of them in a stalemate, Raven glaring angrily at Charles and Charles meeting her wrathful gaze with his cool, indifferent stare. Finally, Raven tells him, "okay. Maybe Hank's gonna figure something out, _maybe_. In the meantime, your german scarecrow is scaring the _fuck_ out of the children so maybe you should keep him in a pen for the meantime - "

" - that was completely _uncalled for_ , Raven, I won't stand for this - "

"Also, for the love of God, return Moira's mind to her," Raven said. "She's been under the influence of your stupidity long enough."

That was easily done, though Charles can't deny (with a tinge of guilt - he makes a mental note to apologize to Moira later - ) that her services were most useful to him more when she doesn't have her sharp mind, which was lovely but rather inconvenient to him because he knows that she would just be as troublesome as Raven. Maybe even more.

That night, Charles moved Erik to the study ("it's warm in there, there's a low fire in the grate and the books are there and Erik might fancy a bit of light reading," he reasoned to Raven, and Raven just rolled her eyes and left) and sat him on his rather worn-in wing-back chair before retiring to his own room. There was more effort involved in his part in ignoring the flare of alarm and disgust (mostly alarm; the latter was found in Raven's and Moira's mind) in all of the children's minds that he finally issued an iron-clad statement of things that people shouldn't worry about before he goes to sleep.

(Perhaps he should be worried that he could easily do this. However, Charles reasons to himself that he was desperate for sleep, and besides, Erik always encouraged him to use his powers and not have to hide and be embarrassed at what he is capable of. Charles reasons that he is using his powers for good, because it's what Erik would've said. It is rather complicated that Erik isn't in his mind to confirm his thoughts, but Charles thinks that he had reasoned to himself well enough, and with that in mind he sleeps the sleep of the innocent while the rest of the children in Westchester make do with his wine collection in order to be able to close their eyes and sleep.)

 

\--

 

Erik Lehnsherr, the not-undead, had been a creature of habit, and it seemed that his body has remembered that long enough to act out on particular mannerisms even when he was at his zombified state. It is also worth noting that Erik was a creature of traumatic incidents distilled in his body and mind, which is why after a long, long time of staring at the low fire - 

\- Erik had stood up, straightened himself in attention, and then carried the books from the shelves slowly and carefully and crudely, his arms making the shape of a shovel, pushes them into the fire.

It had been slow and methodical and Erik made sure to rifle through the - 

rifle through the (bodies) because (the Herr Doktor) said that he has to look for (gold filaments) - 

(bodies) (Herr Doktor) (gold filaments) ( _der kleine Erik Lehnsherr_ ) (the coin, please)

Erik's face turned into a scowl. He recognizes that he is grasping something beyond _coin_ and _Shaw_ but is still a part of that circle and he feels like he has to remember what it was. Rifle through the - because - said that he has to look for - and then they all went into the fire - 

No matter. He takes the books and shoves them into the fire and somehow he breathes the burning smoke with pleasure because it feels (familiar) (but also terrifying) (Shaw) ( **coin** ) (screams?) - 

It was Hank who smells the smoke first, Hank who runs to the study and sees Erik dumping tons and tons of the books into the fireplace, the gilded pages of books set aside and ripped first before thrown into the fire (because - said - look for -); and Hank practically _howls_ and rips Erik from the study and throws him across the room and out the door, loud enough to wake up Charles and the rest of them in Westchester and Charles is displeased when he gets there just in time to see Erik hit the wall across him and crumple on the floor like a doll.

_STOP,_ Charles practically screams in livid anger and everyone in Westchester becomes rooted to the spot and forgets to breathe - 

Charles had to calm himself before bursting into hysterics of, "oh god - oh Erik - Hank are you alright? oh dear, the fire - my books!" and it takes a while for him to process the gravity of what he'd done and he's only snapped out of it while everyone regains their _lives_ back and then Moira roars, "get your pet _out of here, Xavier_!" recent anger and distrust and hatred remembered in the wake of Charles' telepathic assault. How could Charles forget how unyielding her mind was? In the end, he was shuffled off to the side as the fire was put out, the children burning their hands as they removed the books from the fireplace and drenched it with water.

 

\--

 

That night, Erik learns a new word, which he whispers, rather happily, to a hysteric Charles clinging to his arm:

" _Wunderbar._ "

 

\--

 

They had been postponing this meeting for a while, because it was clear that Charles wasn't in the right state of mind to be present in a meeting deciding the fate of the mutants in his care (and of course, Erik being what he was rather delayed things a bit). But after the fire in his study, and of course Erik learning - or remembering - his new word, it was unavoidable, and so they convened in Charles' dining room, again, to discuss the state of affairs in his house.

Charles opened the meeting with, "I am not letting Erik out of my sight. I apologize if this brings you further nightmares, but I think we can both agree that he is as much of a hazard to others as he is to himself, a fact which I cannot ignore. He is safe with us - " Sean wailed in despair - "and Westchester is his home, as it is yours. I cannot allow any efforts to remove him from these grounds."

He has no need to elaborate about his power - everyone knows it well enough - but what was surprising to him was Raven agreeing with him. "Yes. Alright. Your pet Frankenstein gets to stay here, because Lord knows the locals will crucify us if they actually see him walking outside."

Charles was about to open his mouth to retort, but Sean gets there before he does. "I don't like this. First he starts burning and trying to kill us - "

"Don't be silly, Sean," Charles again, sweetly but with a smile full of teeth which of course he'd learnt from Erik, "Erik is hardly acting out of malice. He is simply reliving parts of his traumatic memory - "

"Which he'd repressed, for a reason," Sean continues on as if he weren't interrupted in the first place, "and of course, with Erik being - well, _undead_ , sorry Prof, there's no way around it - that kind of, um, efficient suppression isn't working anymore and what ends up happening is that we're in the mercy of his nightmares and that's terrible because nobody should have to suffer for someone else's past, but, that's where we are."

He pauses and lets the words hang in the air before he realizes that everyone's eyes are on him and are expecting him to continue, and Raven's especially is very encouraging so he adds, "look, Prof, we don't know why he's acting the way he is, and that's unfortunate, but we also can't let him hurt us on account of, um, well, to put it bluntly - I'm no scientist - personal baggage and the like. I think," and his voice goes quieter with his proposal as he sees Charles narrow his eyes at him, "I think we should, well, keep him under watch, if you're not willing to throw him out."

There's a tense silence as Charles sighs in frustration, and Moira makes it worse by adding, rather grimly, "or kill him, for that matter."

Charles is all steel when he replies, "I forbid you from entertaining that idea any further, Agent Mactaggert, if you know what's good for you."

"If he's a hazard to everyone, if he doesn't have a sense of purpose, if all he is is a conglomeration of the very things that made Erik so dangerous and unstable even while he is - "

"No. That's enough." Charles stands up, hands curled into fists; Erik was sitting right beside him, staring out in space, muttering his new word: " _Wunderbar, wunderbar, wunderbar._ " 

Hank says, rather quietly, "he doesn't have to be chained like - like an animal, or a slave, or worse, Professor. We know he's important to you - he's important to us too. but he .... _does_ need to be watched, because he's proven himself dangerous tonight; and really, I'd prefer this doesn't ... turn into a series of accidents which might become more dangerous as it goes on. There's no guarantee of that, of course, but .... the possibilities are there, and Erik wasn't exactly .... a nice man." 

For a moment, they all watch Charles standing with his back to them with obvious difficulty because this is a man who would be willing to stake his life on the safety of mutants everywhere and for peace and love and equality, but the fact that he's always willing to stake his life on things that Charles is so passionate about also makes him equally dangerous, if not more, than Erik himself. Raven interrupts his reveries with, "hurry up and decide, Charles."

"Fine," Charles said, turning to face them, his face a carefully crafted mask of politeness. "Erik will be under watch to make sure that he doesn't harm himself, or anyone else. I sincerely hope, however, that he will be handled with dignity and respect that you owe him before; to do otherwise is folly." _And a threat to you all_ remains unspoken, but it was there. Relief can be seen throughout their faces because even though it's a small step, it's a step nonetheless, although Charles is saddened by this because he does think it's barbaric; but it's not as interesting as the fact that Erik is learning to remember certain words that pertain to his childhood memories. Perhaps there is a future in them, after all, which Charles wants to think of is possible as he bids Erik to rise and walk with him to the Danger Room, which he'll keep Erik in for a while, all the while saying things to him like, "it's only for the meantime, my friend - nothing too serious," and "oh, they're only thinking of your safety, and they're worried about mine too - not that you're a horrible friend, no, not at all, but as you can probably tell, times have changed and I'm more inclined to give them what they wish for because it seems to me that a time of negotiation and cooperation on my own terms cannot exist anymore. I'm so sorry, darling." All of which, of course, would rather be touching, if it weren't for the fact that Erik looked pale and brittle and terrifying as he whispered his words and reached for Charles' arm only to gnaw on it like a dry bone.

 

**iv.**

Charles thought that, since Erik had been learning and re-learning things, he might as well help him learn a few more _specific_ words, which would hopefully trigger his memory. Since Raven had been so unhelpful to him when he mentioned this idea at breakfast (she replied with, "I'm actually surprised that you can't slut your way out of this, Charles"), he'd been forced to do it by himself, since Hank had shut him out of the cerebro due to "upgrades" and (what Charles feels was unwarranted) concern for "Charles' mental state". He'd been rather upset about both reasons, but Hank was firm and unyielding on the matter, especially on the topic of his mental state. If Charles was sure that he was no longer on the path of denial and grief, and had worked himself through these states in channels that were mentally and physically healthy for him and for everyone else, then perhaps Hank will allow him to touch cerebro. In the meantime, he'd prefer that Charles deal with himself; a statement which, Charles was fairly sure, not without Raven's influence, or Moira's. He is rather annoyed that his life has come under this much scrutiny all because he wanted to help Erik.

Names were the first thing that he tried teaching Erik; first, of himself ("Chaaarles.") and then of Erik's. He didn't seem to understand the sounds that Charles was making to him; Erik had very little understanding of anything, nowadays, but perhaps he found the idea that Charles was rather amusing with the way he'd give their names for him to learn because sometimes he would smile, as if to understand, which gives a flurry of warmth in Charles' stomach; only, in true Erik fashion, to ruin it by answering, "coin," instead.

Charles had been annoyed at Erik's predisposition to answer his name with either _Shaw_ or _coin_ or _wunderbar_ and figured that perhaps, the key to his memory is to not jog it along with key words slowly, but for Erik to come to understanding as to what these words are in highly stressful situations that create mental associations - well, perhaps associations wasn't the right word, but _impressions_ \- inside of his head that fit the Shaw-coin-wunderbar triad. This, Charles struggled with, because the impulse to create highly stressful situations for Erik was too tempting, and too easy, given what he knows about him (everything). But he also knows that as a telepath, and Erik's friend, there is a certain level of decorum - if not affection - that he has to maintain in order to be able to call himself as _Erik's friend_ beyond the usual restraint that he exercises on himself, and this is no exception. Erik is not a toy. He is a fascinating specimen that is a contradiction in his terms but nevertheless, someone who is endlessly fascinating and whose mind is a reminder of the things that Charles treasured as he latched himself around it like his personal disease inside of his mind, not that Erik could tell. He is upset that Shaw has ruined everything, but Charles still has him, and doesn't that count for all the victories in the world?

It had been a way for Charles to demonstrate his emotional maturity over the matter by attempting to be objective about Erik's state of existence and his relationship to him, both of which are now tainted by the fact that Erik can't even tell what Charles is trying to do and can't help him even if he wanted to. The truth of the matter is that day by day Erik is getting paler and paler and his heart is beating towards a nothingness that became absolute a week later, where his heart had stopped beating and his mind was nothing more than a blank but Erik still nodded, still spoke about his favourite triad. It was a grievous affair to witness, and even the children felt sorry for him, but no more than Charles did, who in some private corner of his mind continued to blame himself for his inability to save his friend.

Hank hadn't been of much help, either, but there's only so much you can do when your subject is an impossibility; or, as Moira described him, a living Schrodinger's cat. Charles had resigned to himself to a life of domesticity with his dead friend; he took pains to give him a semblance of the life that he used to live in by dressing him up in his old clothes and making him participate in old rituals that Erik was familiar with. At least, in this manner, these situations were not as stressful to his mind but gives an impression of something that he'd lost long ago and which Charles hoped to be of use to him in the long run. It was a habit of domesticity that Charles tries to engrave in his mind which he feels is always a battle between time and death, and of course, with both of them against him, is always herculean in itself.

 

\--

 

Eventually Erik forgets about _Shaw_ and _wunderbar_ and only says, _coin_. Everything that is vaguely circular to him is _coin_. Hank realizes this when out of all the toys that Erik had - they were intent on keeping him moving out of the fear that his limbs might lock into place if he didn't use them as often - he often preferred the round ones. This lead to Sean leaving coins on his desk to Moira leaving marbles and Raven, a plastic, empty Easter egg. All of them were _coin_ to Erik as he slowly feels them between his palms and smiles.

"No, not exactly, dear," Charles says exhaustedly as he watches him play with Sean's change one more time, "but the idea is close enough, because you and I both know that you are thoroughly in love with your own tragedies. Chess was safe enough, Erik, why didn't you fall in love with that instead?"

To think that once upon a time he had been seized with the idea of being _the better men_ along with this man seemed like a century ago to Charles, and the most that he could do in remembrance of this was to place a kiss on Erik's cheek and murmur, "oh, my friend, I promise you, I haven't forgotten. But I need you to come back to me, too, because it's rather tiring to wait otherwise, and you did promise me that you won't leave the rest of the work to me."

Raven, at least, had stopped prodding his wounds, and had allowed him to be overly sentimental to Erik in times like these, if only because it was more sickening, she said, to watch him in his room and lie pathetically like a viper without its fangs.

There was still the problem that Erik seemed to remember his past in what Hank describes as 'flare-ups' of memory, which was an inadequate word that comes to mean physical harm to himself, one of which they'd caught him a little too late was Erik clawing his arm from where his numbers were etched and screaming - where everyone had thought he'd forgotten the word - _Shaw_. Charles shook his head quietly and smiled, serenely, while Erik tried to thrust his hand through his chest, with his fingers curled like talons, from Charles' collarbone to down his abdomen. A form of "affection", Raven sneers at him while Charles tells her, rather primly, to shut up, and Alex and Sean readied the chains. Between all four of them their smiles were mirrored from each other, taut across the face as the links fell down the tiled floors quietly while they watched him with Erik, whispering "Shaw, Shaw, Shaw," in mounting despair to anyone who would hear: Raven with her pursed lips, Charles with his serene smile telling Erik that things will be better, and Sean and Alex standing beside Charles with the chains dragging across the tiled floor, smiling as Charles was. Watching. Waiting. Smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was always staring at the inevitable whenever he looked at erik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's october, so might as well. as usual, heed the tags. now with 100% cannibalism and mild gore.

**i.**

Raven tells him, either call him for what he is or call him his name but all the same recognize that you're looking at the inevitable, that what Erik _is_ is what we all will be in the end, and the only reason why he's alive and hanging by a thread of life is because for some reason rage and revenge literally sustain. Outside of that, he has nothing else. Raven tells him, remember when we had a dog, Basker, and then he died, and you cried? Why did you cry? Every kid knows that somehow when a pet dies they go to heaven, or some sort of haven where the dog will be happy, but for some reason, instinctively, we all cry. You wanna know why, Charles? Because for that brief moment when you saw his corpse and he was lowered into the ground with a slab called 'Basker' over his grave, you saw death. That was your first glimpse into mortality and that's why you cried. Raven tells him, Charles, are you listening? I'm trying to talk to you about inevitability. Raven tells him ..... 

 

**ii.**

In the beginning, there was just magic. _Reanimation_ , they called it, when the living crawls back from the grave of the dead and then the mourning of the loved ones was interrupted by the shuffling, crawling, of the dead back into their lives. The dead were uncanny. But they were always _someone else_ , never _the dead_ , because naming things is always important. Charles knows. That's why Erik is Erik and not _a zombie_ the way the children refer to him when they think he's out of sight. There was this thing, that was no longer, but still _is_. That was the nature of repression. But that was also the nature of something greater than divine will, because my god, the dead can move. 

Sometime later they came up with: a _plague_. The plague, at least, is scientific, and bears a resemblance as to how the _disease_ spreads, a malaise that infects life and drains the body of it while the _thing_ remembers that it is slowly forgetting until there was nothing left to forget. But the most important thing about it being a disease is that it can be _cured_ , and that's where the problem lies. How does one cure death? Someone in a journal hesitantly calls it _mutation_ and a brief flash of anger Charles pens a damning account against the man. He was never to write again.

"Mutation, evolution, is for higher beings. What this is, is a _disease_ , a _plague_ ; please, people, call it by its proper name," Charles says in a press statement later on. Raven, with her yellow eyes narrowed at the back of his head like a hawk, shoots a thought into his mind that makes him miss a question from a reporter: _narcissism fetish trauma repression delusion_

Beside him, quiet, mouth open, leashed, sat Erik, watching a room full of lights and cameras with grey eyes wide open and threatening to bulge out of their sockets. A girl approaches Charles. "May I touch him?"

Charles laughs good-naturedly. "Of course, dear. He won't bite."

So the girl pets him and he doesn't move, like a statue, and the girl shrieks in cruel delight. She takes out a purse from her bag (Charles watches in slight confusion) and then puts a coin in his mouth.

Erik smiles, a slow, wide grin that breaks and snaps the skin around his jaw, and closes his mouth and swallows. Everybody claps. Charles' knuckles were white as they gripped the edge of his podium, smiling. "See? All is well."

 

**iii.**

Hank tells him, Professor, Erik is looking for a different kind of meat. Hank tells him, Professor, Erik is prowling the hallways again ever since we've brought him out of the danger room - we've taken precautions, but I'm worried he might leave. Hank tells him, Professor, there are accounts from what few servants that you have left, something about cats missing, dogs missing, a bird missing. Hank tells him, Professor, Erik is too quiet nowadays and I know he insists on being with you always, but it's for that reason we need to constantly have him leashed, because you never know .... you never know. Hank tells him, Professor, Erik has stopped learning words again, he goes back to the coin, always the coin. Hank tells him, Professor, Erik is always winding and unwinding a long thread of wire around the bars of one of the windows in your hall. Hank tells him, Professor, Erik is walking the hallways humming a song, I didn't catch it when I heard it, but Moira says it's _La vie en Rose_. Hank tells him, Professor, Moira is afraid about this new development, about Erik learning this tune when he hasn't even heard it around here or anywhere else. Hank tells him, Professor, I am worried about you. Hank tells him ....

 

**iv.**

Alex doesn't talk to him often but when he does, he is always sharpening the edge of a knife.

"I hope that's not for me," Charles says lightly, though he knows (he always _knows_ ) what Alex is doing. Alex purses his lips to a thin line, and he says, "Erik taught me German, once."

"Oh, lovely." Charles' face turns animated. Alex shudders. "What was it? A word? A phrase?"

"No, actually. Something more complicated." He clears his throat. "[ _Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muß man schweigen._](http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Bible_%28King_James%29/Wisdom_of_Sirach#Chapter_3)" 

Charles looks at him, not understanding. Alex sharpens his knife. He can see his face reflected in the glint of the blade.

 

**v.**

Erik winds a thread of wire around the bars of one of the windows in the mansion, and then unwinds it, only to wind it back again.

 

**vi.**

Raven meets with Moira in a cafe two states away from New York. She doesn't like meeting with Moira like this because it's so inconvenient, for one, and for another, Cuba is never far-off from her mind. But she also needs to do this because if she stayed around Charles any more she'd go mad herself. Today Sean wanted to come, but Alex was away doing something (god knows what Alex is doing now, but he seems almost always not in the mansion anymore - not that Raven can blame him, but she's worried all the same) so Sean had to stay and keep Hank company to make sure that neither Erik nor Charles did anything stupid.

Raven was here because she thought Moira might offer some hope. She doesn't like where Moira stands right now - she knows well enough that recent events in Cuba and her stance in the mutant mission lead to the inevitable demotion in her work place, but she's still there and she's still fighting, and a woman's gotta respect and support that courage - but Moira, nevertheless, has friends which are worried about these zombies, these undead as well.

Moira comes in with a notebook, always summaries of all her work/research written in code. She has a grim look in her face, but then again, times are different now. "They're making a committee," she tells him later as soon as they're clear to talk. "Couched under 'Insect and Pest Control'. There're other cases of zombiefication, not just Erik, but you know - Erik's case is different. _Most_ zombies stay dead when you shoot them in the head, not learn things - "

"Yeah, everybody knows that, but you think Charles is gonna let us do that?" Raven stirs her tea, agitated. Moira takes a deep breath. 

"- I know, Raven, I know. But either way: they're making a committee. It's new, I don't know enough details yet, it's a bit hard to figure out from my position. Anyway, as far as I can tell, they've been visiting the houses of people with zombiefied relatives and helping them sort out this mess. Cleaning up. Proper disposal. The works. I don't know if they can touch Charles - I don't think they can, for that matter. Charles is fighting this stupid perception where the dead can be rehabilitated like what he did with Erik but goddamn, Raven," Moira looks so tired. "We both know how this'll end."

Raven nods a bit stiffly. "Thanks so much for your help. Hank and the others appreciate it, too. They wanted to come, but you know ...."

"No worries." Moira smooths the edges of his skirt, tucks a stray strand of hair around her ear. "How's Erik?"

"He's winding a piece of wire around the bar of a window in the mansion," Raven tells her in that dry voice. When Moira looked confused, she just shrugged. "Hank's worried. He says that there's fewer animals around the mansions anymore, and he wants to install a more sophisticated security system, involving lots and lots of - monitors, but I don't know how he'll make that work. Sean is making sure nobody goes hungry in the house - there's only a few servants left, mind you, and we're losing them by the day. Wouldn't be surprised if I got back home now and there's nobody there anymore in that wing. I don't even know if we still have any left. Angel bailed out, I don't blame her. We keep in touch .... sometimes. Alex .... I don't know." There's a tinge of desperation in her voice. "I don't know where he goes - "

Moira turns her glance at her the moment she breaks off, hesitating. "What is it?"

".... He's sharpening a large knife."

Moira bites her lower lip. 

"Charles is watching him. Alex isn't always home, but when he's there, he's always with the knife."

Moira said nothing, perturbed. Raven finishes her tea, and then calls for something stronger from the waiter when he passes them by.

 

**vii.**

Erik winds a thread of wire around the bars of one of the windows in the mansion, and then unwinds it, only to wind it back again.

 

**viii.**

Winter sneaks up in Westchester quietly. There's some decorations have gone up, because Raven was loathe to forgo christmas just because they had two completely psychopathic residents in the house. The house was always warm, because the cold weather had the unfortunate consequence of making Erik's limbs lock up, as if his body was forcibly returning him into a state of rigor mortis with which he departed from a long time ago, in addition to drying out his skin badly. Charles dutifully moisturizes his skin and practices exercises with Erik to make sure his limbs always work. When all else fails, he can always crawl towards him and drag him to the floor and they sit near the fireplace.

Nobody comments on this. Raven and the others do as much as they can to ignore the bizarre display of domesticity and what she terms, unkindly, necrophilia. Since Charles ignores her anyway, Raven decided it's best to do the same to him. 

Erik dutifully winds the piece of wire around the bar on the window, unwinds it, only to wind it back again. When the wire snaps, he finds another one. Charles takes his hand to lead him away from the window, still talking to him as they make their way near the fireplace, with blankets and cushions that Charles had laid out for them. "Did you know, Erik, that in Tibet, they have a practice called 'alms for the birds'. The human corpse is incised in certain locations - "

"- pass me the eggnog, why don't you." Alex comes in, his knuckles red and bruised from cold and lack of gloves. Raven scolds him but passes the eggnog nevertheless. "What are you doing, walking around without winter clothes? Do you wanna get hypothermia?"

"Man, it's just a day," Alex laughs it off, but he's relieved to see her. He takes a glance at the figures near the fireplace, and then drinks the eggnog. "What a day to forget my gloves. The highways are iced, man. You should see them right now - everything's so shiny. Like the whole entire road is made of glass."

"- and then it is placed on a mountaintop," Charles was saying. Erik lies near the fire, fascinated by its shape. ( _Arm - Himmel - Berg_ , he whispers, too quiet for Charles to hear.) "The symbolism is quite lovely, though I can imagine how horrible the weather would be, I mean everything exposed to the elements - "

"Did you buy us any presents?" Sean comes out of the kitchen with the roast chicken. "I got you one, and Hank got us one each, too - those shitty things wrapped under the tree - "

Hank flushed red. "I didn't have time to wrap it, don't be like that."

" - and I got Raven and everyone else."

"No worries," Alex replies easily. "I got something. Where's Moira, is she coming?"

"She'll be a bit late, she's coming from her parent's."

"- and the birds. The carrion. Well, that's why it's called a sky burial. But it's lovely, don't you think? Oh, I mention this now because you remembered a phrase, do you remember it, Erik? You said something about a grave in the air. That's rather poetic, dear, but really morbid. There is much to say about our stage in evolution and development that talks of extinction isn't really necessary. We can learn how to coexist, even in a society with the most harsh of elements living in it with us. We are, after all, the better men." Charles natters on. Erik whispers, _ein Grab im Luft_ , too quiet for anyone to hear.

"I have a present for you," Charles says. He takes Erik with him to go to his room. Hank glances at them, decides to help. Charles waves him off. "I can handle myself, thanks."

"He'll need the leash and the restraints."

"Really, Hank, that's not necessary. Erik is always well-behaved with me."

"No, he never was," Hank says rather bluntly, too blunt for Charles' tastes, and Charles smiles in frustration because otherwise he will kill him. "We had an agreement, Professor. We love you, and we restrain him. That's how it goes. Remember?"

"Yes, of course."

Hank puts on the leash and the restraint. Charles walks to his room with Erik following slowly. They pass the window with the wire; Charles sighs as he watches Erik stop, unwind it. Pockets it with him to Charles' room. 

 

**ix.**

For all the stresses of this year, they had a quiet christmas. Moira comes in late, as Raven promised, with drinks for everyone and small gifts. Charles presents Erik with another turtleneck in his room, as well as a book. ("This won't be of much use to yet, but you never know. Research is proving - rather - stubborn, about reversing your condition, but it's no reason to give up. Merry christmas, Erik.")

Charles feeds Erik on a slab of meat from his personal fridge. He takes the meat out of the bag, rolls his sleeves up, and then rolls the edges of his pants when some of the blood drops on his leg - 

\- and Erik moves, closer, and bites him on his calf.

He couldn't scream. And when he finally realized what had happened, with the entire lower half of his legs turning blue and black and green, Erik places the wire below his knee and carefully winds it around the wounded area, as tight as he can, until his limb falls off, dead, and Erik feeds on it, the spool of wire unwinding slowly over the remains of his rotting limb.

Charles screams - 

\- and Alex, god, Alex, comes in, takes out his knife, and slide it through the base of Erik's neck and pulls it out sideways - 

Charles screams - 

\- and his mind 

\- a blank, white map of snow falling everywhere - 

 

**x.**

The entire house stands still.

 

**xi.**

Alex tells him, all this time, I've been training hard, just in case that zombie's a lot stronger than I am. Alex tells him, Erik gave me this knife. Alex tells him, _Erik_ , not that thing that killed you. Alex tells him, I believed in Erik when he was here. Of course what he proposed was radical, but I believed in him, just as much as I did for you. Alex tells him, I don't know what to believe in now, but sure as hell wouldn't be for that thing.

Sean - Sean is somewhere there - telling Alex to stop. Raven is crying, shaken now that she could move, she goes to Charles - she's screaming, she's asking him - 

Alex tells him, it was either him or the rest of us in the end, and if it's gonna be a choice, well, it's damned easy. Alex tells him, I learned from the best, you can't tell me I didn't learn anything from Erik before, when we were here, and he was alive, and he wasn't happy but god he was here anyway, because he cared, because he knew there was something important here that it'd be foolish of him to turn his back to it. Alex tells him, that's what's at stake here. Alex tells him - 

Raven tells him -

And then Sean - 

(Moira: "someone has to do it."

Raven wipes the tears at the back of her hand, shakes her head. " _I can't do it, I can't do it, I'm sorry_ \- "

Hank: "Nobody's blaming you, Raven ..... No-one is to blame. All the same, someone has to - Charles - we can't let him - ")

Alex at the background, shaking his shoulders violently. His voice is one constant scream of anguish. Alex tells him, you knew this was coming, you just couldn't let go. Alex tells him, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love both of you, but this is too much. Alex - 

Charles' head snaps back, as if the strings were cut, and his eyes were round and blue as they stared at the ceiling.

Moira, quietly, takes the blanket from his bed and drapes it over him. Nothing more was said.


End file.
